We blame when we’re uncomfortable or when we’re in pain… We blame to discharge anger, discomfort. That’s all blame is. It has no adaptive function at all. – Brené Brown
Being on the receiving end of blame can be excruciating. To do it effectively, one must allow it to just flow through and flush out your system. What they are saying is not really about you, it is that they found something to be too much.
For years I allowed others to use me to flush out their blame instead of holding a strong boundary and saying no. I gave them permission instead of requiring them to take ownership.
My ex-mother-in-law is a prime example of this. My son had passed away, and she decided that I was the cause for everything that had happened, and for his ultimate demise. This was easier for her than really processing her grief and recognizing there was no one out there to slam with the blame.
There was a man I was dating that attempted suicide. His mother decided to put her blame on me, as she could not attack him with her anger and pain for what he had put her through. I had let his brother know that it was okay for her to do it as I could handle it. What I did not realize at the time was that I had not recovered enough from the suicide attempt to hold and flush that much charge.
Holding another’s charge and processing it through your body can give them the relief that they cannot achieve on their own. The tough part is that it can also end relationships of all types.
I spent a good bit of time angry at God after my son passed away, but I also knew that God could handle it while I moved through the massive hurdles that I had to overcome to heal. I was unable to work through my anger and pain with the man I had been seeing, so I turned that also towards God. Again, I knew God could handle it, whereas no one else I knew could handle the level of anger and pain I was suffering through as I tried to recover from the devastation. Religion is not the only way to go, but know that whatever you believe in can handle your charge as you work through the painful pieces in your life.